Art: Exhibition

This video is done by and for our Iranian friends in the Netherlands and outside.

Stories from the Middle East

"My name is Sahar (pseudonym), I am thirty-six years old and I am a gay. I am very gay, but in secret. I can not tell anyone that I am attracted to men, and I can not share my experiences and feelings with anyone. It is not easy growing up with the feeling that everything you do with your sexuality is wrong and prohibited.

My parents were divorced. Actually my parents were not even married. I am the son of my mother and, so far, I still do not know who my father is. My mother went out with lots of men, particularly influential men in government such as army generals and men from the secret service. When I was small I remember many men coming to our house, and there was always lots of food and drinks.

It is very difficult to grow up in the Muslim community, because when your mother is not married and entertains men at home, she is considered a whore. I think my mother lived her life in her own way and was just trying to survive during Saddam Hussein's government. That wasn't easy, for a woman who got pregnant before marriage, and did not stay with man who got her pregnant. She got a bad reputation in the neighborhood and her family never spoke with her again, because she damaged the honor of her family. That is how women who have chosen their own freedom and their own happiness are looked upon.

Growing in such an environment is not easy. It is a very hard life. People who don't like the way you live will not respect you, and will abuse you and sometimes even rape you.

When was very young I already knew was gay. My mother knew it as well, but we never talked about it. As long as I could keep it a secret and was careful in how I handled it.

When I was between 13 and 15 years old, I had sex with many young guys but also with men who visited our house. Sometimes men would come to our house while my mother was away. They would take me and give me money for it, but I had to promise them never to tell my mother.

I met my first love when I was 16 years old. That was also the year my mother passed away. I was very depressed, was left alone with my sister, who is older than me, and my other three brothers wanted nothing to do with me. My brothers all moved somewhere else, where they could escape the intolerance and misunderstanding of their surroundings, and where they could start a new life.

My new friend Jihan was also still young, but three years older than me. He was the man of my dreams. He went to same school as , and he saw how alone and depressed I was. In the beginning it was just a story of two young guys at the same school, taking the same courses and often hanging out together in school but also outside of school. He was always there for me, for whatever I wanted or needed. I became so used to his presence that I could not do anything without him. He meant everything to me, and if I had to spent a day without him I was always in a bad mood. My love for him grew every day and he began to treat me as his possession or 'his girlfriend'. He wouldn't allow me to talk to anyone, especially not to other boys. If he caught me with a boy, he would get very angry and yell at me. But still I felt happy with him. Like Romeo and Juliet. I say that because I do not know of any tale of two men in love with each other.

Jihan was everything to me - my friend, my brother, my father and my biggest love. I remember all our first intimate contacts. It happened at his parents' house. During the summer holidays his parents had to go to Amman, Jordan with the entire family, but he did not want to go. Everything was planned so that we had the whole house to ourselves and nobody else was there. We made jokes and we laughed so hard. We were teasing each other and were running the house. Our first sexual contact also happened that summer, then continued. We were cooking dinner together and he told me that he wanted to live like that: together with me, in our house, two guys who love each other. Then he hugged me and held me for several minutes. His hands started moving around my shaking body, and we started breathing faster. I couldn't resist any more.

But everything comes to an end. When he became an adult, his mother wanted him to get married. After six years of love, he had to get married, and so did I… But I could not fall in love with another boy, because he was still everything to me."

Sahar did indeed get married, to a woman, and now has two children. A boy and girl. In 2003 he fell in love again with a boy, but it was not easy for them to be together. One day Sahar decided to rent an apartment. The owner of the apartment called him and got his wife on the phone. He told her that he arranged for everything and that Sahar could use the apartment when he wanted. His wife was surprised and she did not understand why her husband wanted to have a second home. When he came home, his wife asked him to explain why he needed a second house. He couldn't say anything, but his wife thought he was taking a second wife, and she was very angry. The fight about that grew bigger and at some point the whole family knew about it. They threatened to kill him if he would take a second wife. So his plan failed and he could only be with his lover in secret. He was only more careful now, because the family suspected something.

Sahar still lives with his family and he keeps seeing his lover in secret. Thousands of gay and lesbian youth lead double lives like that. The majority of them are married and have children while still living out their homosexuality in secret. This double life brings many challenges, and often leads to psychological problems.

But can it really be different? Can homosexuals one day choose their own happiness, or will they keep choosing what family and society expect from them?

Debate Podium Mozaiek

On Friday, November 18, 2011, after the debate that the Secret Garden organized at the Podium Mozaiek in collaboration with director Marcos Rabello, Ahmed Marcouch, the Labour Party parliamentarian, started a conversation with a few asylum seekers who were present at the time. Marcouch asked these young men if they could tell more about their asylum application.

Secret Garden has interviewed a number of these young people and written their stories down. They have been assembled into a report which details information about what they have experienced in their country of origin, about their asylum procedure and which includes a portrait the interviewees.
We have informed Ahmed Marcouch about this, and will soon be meeting with him to discuss it.

'Pro connecting... anti hardening'

Dinner and meeting (by: Co. Engberts, Old Deacon Lutheran Church)

On Wednesday, December 28, 2011, a meeting was held between a few people from the Secret Garden and our parish, at our initiative. The Secret Garden is an organization that, in short, is aimed at gays and lesbians with a non-Western cultural background; often Muslims but also Christians from, for example, the Middle East. We came in contact with them as we were looking to connect with other groups in our community, and also because we as a community - which naturally includes gays and lesbians - can do more for those in those parts of the world where that is not the case. In December 2010 the church sent a letter to mosques, synagogues and gay organizations in the city; we said we were against the hardening in society and for much more mutual contact and connection. One of these organizations was Secret Garden.

It was an encounter between two groups who hardly knew each other. And it was at once a night full of warmth, friendliness, good food and drink. Despite some language barriers, there were nice conversations and sometimes painful stories. We ended with the conviction that we had experienced something special: people who know they need each other, regardless of background or political decisions.

After some exploration of what we can do together, we came up with the idea of organising a few meals together. This first time we were host to eleven people from the Secret Garden, and with seven of us from the parish we were a nice group.

The background ranged from those who had been living in the Netherlands for years, to one who arrived just four weeks ago as an asylum seeker. While we used Dutch as much as possible, we sometimes changed to English, and when that didn't work, we used sign language and sometimes interpreters, but we made it to the end of the night. Attention for each other, being together, eating and drinking ... we apparently do not always need words.

We will try to organize in the coming months three more evenings like this. Then we will see how we want to develop this further. Those who would like to join us are welcome to send an email to the parish, or to find me and let me know. As the hosts, we are offering the evening, food and drinks to our guests at the Secret Garden; that means we are asking for a contribution of five euros from each participant, the rest coming from, at the moment, a specific donation to the parish.

"Rage!"

On Friday, 18 November 2011, the Secret Garden organized a day of activities at the Podium Mosaic. The evening started with a debate, where homosexuality was central. The panel consisted of Ahmed Marcouch, Sid Madani, Peter Hefst, and Fenik Fatah. The freedom to discuss homosexuality, and the visibility of the target group, was the theme. We sincerely thank the panelists and the audience, and all others involved.
There was also an exhibition "Invisible in No Man's Land, Visible in the Netherlands", where portraits of which LHBT'ers appeared. Additionally, there was a space set aside where one could watch documentaries, including "Free in the Netherlands", "Hob Al Nisa", and "The Silent Stories".

During dinner, the 'Stadsdeelvoorzitter' (city district chair) of Amsterdam West, Mrs. Martien Kuitenbrouwer, gave a speech and received the first of the new digital versions of the booklet "I am like you."

The last part of the day's activities was play created by director Marcos Rabello. "RAGE!" is about the struggle of a young Arab man with his homosexual identity. This solo performance was performed by the Moroccan actor Zouhair Mtazi, with direction and design by Marcos Rabello, text by Peet van Duijnhoven and music by Felipe Ignacio Noriega.
This sold-out performance was well received by the audience. Those present found it to be moving and well performed, with a strong script and direction. Moreover, they found the topic to be very important in these times. Podium Mosaic was pleased with the cooperation and would like it to continue. Due to the great success "RAGE!" it will return again next year, performing not only in theatres, but also at festivals and secondary schools as well.

If you would also like to see a performance in your own club, school or community centre, and have an opportunity to meet our members, please contact us.

Homosexuality within the Kurdish Community

December 4 2011 The Hague, The Netherlands
Presented by Berivan Jamal Hama Said and Wim Rueck

The Kurdish Cultural Centre in The Hague organised a meeting on December 4 2011. It's subject was Homosexuality within the Kurdish community in The Netherlands. The objective of this meeting was to encourage an open discussion about homosexuality and come to an exchange of opinions around this subject. 50 Men and women attended this meeting, which was held under the guidance of Berivan Jamal Hama Said, trainer and writer, and Wim Rueck, Chairman of COC Haaglanden.

Wim Rueck opened the meeting by talking about the COC's role and activities and what this organisation does for refugees and asylum seekers. Berivan Hama Said concentrated her talk on content: she focused initially on current theories about homosexuality and later led a discussion with the audience based on some statements.
Quite a variety of views on homosexuality emerged, beside positive opinions, viewing homosexuality as a natural fact of life, mainly negative ones came up concerning rape, sexual abuse, perfidity, incorrect behaviours, sodomy / "liwat" and forbidden lust / "haram'. It was a fierce discussion.

In brief: a discussion of this subject within the Kurdish community is not just a sensitive matter, it is hard as well. Many misunderstandings and misguided opinions exist around the meaning of homosexuality. People are not well-informed at all. Homosexuality is strongly condemned by society, culture and religion. Homosexuals are discriminated against, humiliated. Sometimes families marry them out, push them away or even kill them (honour killings). In generaL, so-called "masculin women" and "effeminate men" are disrespected. Mostly, gay men marry under pressure. These marriages are in fact cover-ups. There are Kurdish gays and lesbians in the Netherlands who lead a double life. In public straight, they lead gay lives in secrecy, hiding themselves for the outside world.

All my countrymen know that I'm gay

Beginning of this year, Mr. A. A. A. AL Bayati visited our organization at en event on homosexuals with an Islamic background. There he met other young people with the same background, and also from Iraq. A week later he returned to us, to talk about him being gay, his relationship with his boyfriend (that he still keeps a secret because he is threatened by other Iraqis in the Netherlands) and about his situation in the AZC.

Mr Al-Bayati does not feel very well at the moment, because he can not be himself. He must be very careful about what he does and where he goes. He believes that friends of his family, living in the Netherlands, are looking out for him. His mental state is not clear, that is why we asked our psychologst to talk to him as well.
During his visit he told us the following story:

My name is Ali and I am gay. When I was in Iraq, I had a relationship with an Iraqi boyfriend named Amar. At that time I had many Iraqi gay friends, like Mumdooh (fled), Waseem (fled), Sinan (fled), Omar (killed) and Ali (killed). We would occasionally have parties where we would dance, eat and have sex - but all these things would happen behind closed doors. No one could know but us, because we would be killed otherwise.
After 2003 the situation in Iraq very dangerous for gay people because of the Islamic parties which came in government. Islamic radicals and the Islamic militia threatened and killed many Iraqi homosexuals.
I was very afraid to go on dates or to meet other gays, because many of my friends had been murdered after meeting someone who was evidently a member of a militia. It was also very dangerous for gay people to date via gay dating sites like Gaydar or Manjam, because many members of the Al Mahdi Army militia (or other militias) had created fake profiles to find and then murder gay men. At that time I had two personalities: For my family, friends and colleagues I had to act straight, but with my gay friends I felt like the real Ali, the gay Ali.

After having problems at work at the end of 2007, I escaped to the Netherlands in February 2008. At that time I was shocked by the situation at the asylum seekers centre in Ter Apel. Many Iraqi refugees were there. It felt to me like I still lived in Iraq, but it was worse, because I had to share everything with them - housing, food, and my bedroom and bathroom. So I had to act heterosexual all day, but couldn't, because the other Iraqi refugees threatened me frequently. I was afraid to tell the IND that I was gay, especially after I heard from others that the translators were mostly Iraqis. That's why I told the IND only about my work problems, and not about my homosexuality.

In June 2008 I received my residence permit, and I was happy that I could stay to live safely and freely - but I was also happy because my secret was not yet known here in the Netherlands. But I still had to wait, and was moved to the AZC Winterwijk, where I still had problems with my former countrymen. After complaining, I was moved again to another centre.

One day I had made a date with someone at a nude beach near the AZC where I was staying, and we had sex. One of my roommates, Saif Alazawee, saw me, and he told the entire Iraqi refugee community that I was gay, and that he'd seen me having sex with a man on the beach.

I became very afraid, because then everyone knew I was gay. Many of them knew where I lived in Bagdad, and in which pharmacy I had worked - and my roommates (Amer Almulla and Faried) both knew my full name, and they had gone back to Iraq. They called me names, and threatened to kill me if I ever went back to Iraq. I am lucky to be in the Netherlands. Amer Amulla, Faried, Saif Alzawee, Hussien Alazawee and many others are now back in Iraq, and they will kill me if I go back there.

I also filed a complaint against Saif Alazawee with the COA, because of the threats he and the others made against me. I have been seriously psychologically harmed because of them. Because of these threats, I requested that COA find me a house as quickly as possible, near where I'm studying (Utrecht), but that wasn't possible. So instead I rented a room in Amersfoort myself, and requested the COA to not give my address out to anyone.

From 2009 until now I have been busy with my studies to learn Dutch as quickly as possible and receive my diploma - then I can be fully independent and live a free life with a man that I choose. In late February 2011, my mother told me that she had found a good woman for me in the Netherlands. She's beautiful, works as a dentist, and lives in Amsterdam with her mother and brother.
I tried to tell my mother that I was busy with my studies, but it didn't work. She said just go to them and see Rafal Bahnam.
I went to see them a couple of times, but without my permission my mother asked the girl to marry me, and she and her family said yes. Then I decided to tell the girl that I was gay, thinking she might understand my situation. But she didn't. She told her mother that I was gay, and her mother told my mother and her friends.
Now my family doesn't want any contact with me. And what's worse is that my mother comes from a large and well-known family in Iraq, who will kill me if I ever go back, because I brought shame on them.

Currently AL Bayati is going through sessions, to help him increase his acceptance of his homosexuality, to help him accept himself and to stand up for his rights. But that takes time.